Posts Tagged ‘sun’

Yesterday I resisted moping around — and i had a lot to mope about. I was feeling sad over changes in my relationship especially.

My mom is back in town, meaning that I am under the microscope again. We are sharing the car while she is here, and thankfully I decided to drive her to my brother’s so that she could take care of my nephews while their parents were doing their church duties. I didn’t want to be depressed and isolated and car-less here in the basement on the side of the mountain.

I haven’t seen much of my family lately. Things have been strained since I resigned from the church in such a public way. They were so happy to see me, and full of so much love in my time of sadness. My littlest nephew, Logan, gave me the sweetest hug. They were all heading off to church, but my brother Ted suggested I go to their pool. They live in Saratoga Springs in a development with a pool fed from the natural hot springs. “It’s Sunday,” he said. “No one will be there.”

So Pooka and I drove home, got my bathing suit, and headed back. The sun was bright, the water was really warm, almost hot. From the first moment underwater, I felt the sadness melting away.  He was wrong — there were actually quite a few families there. At first I thought maybe being there wasn’t such a good idea, reminding me of what I thought I lost. It was a little cold to be in a bikini in the sun, at first, so I headed to the hot tub. Ah. So healing.

Back in the sun, lounging on a chaise next to a flowering bush, minding my own business, a wasp landed on my thumb and stung me.

But from there, it got better. I didn’t leave. I just moved away from the bush. It got warmer. I swam some more. After two hours of just sitting with my thoughts, kissed by the sun (ok, a little burnt, but it felt sooo good!) I went back to my brother’s. Logan gave me another big hug. He stuck with me all afternoon. We trampolined. I showed him Pooka’s trick that Tyler taught her (sit! shake!). We tried to teach it to Jack, his boston terrier. We trampolined some more, with Garrett. We played tag on the trampoline. It was impossible to not laugh, collapsing in giggles and out of breath. We brought out a bowl of popcorn and trampolined with that too. I thought of parents scolding for something like that, but thought, what is the harm? (and again thought of Tyler and how he let Elliott paint a robot and a sun and other designs on his bedroom wall, and also of how I had painted a heart on Harper’s wall before Tyler evened it out with the roller.) We tossed popcorn to Pooka and Jack, and finally let Pooka eat all the popcorn that had suspended midair and hadn’t fallen back into the bowl during the trampolining.

So much comfort and care. They really are beautiful — my nephews, my brother, my sister in law, my mother.

We stopped by my other brother’s on the way home to pick up his ipod so we could have Mad Men marathon (season 2). Again, though things have been strained, they were so loving. Jennifer gave me the sweetest hug. They had three desserts, and i decided to eat all three. A little sugar therapy.

So my mom and I watched four seasons of Mad Men.

I’m so grateful to be surrounded by family love. They have known me all their lives, most of them anyway. We have a history, yet it was still hard for them to come to terms with me and my “wearing my heart on my sleeve,” as my mom puts it. Tyler’s family, on the other hand, doesn’t know me well — mostly from the really nice thanksgiving weekend we spent visiting in Arizona. They have found my blog, the old one, at least, and are upset about it. More sadness. I am no longer a Mormon, and I have been critical. But that’s me. When talking about my experiences, I don’t mean to criticize others for something that brings them happiness.

I forgot to take my camera battery out of the charger at home, so I didn’t get to take pictures, but here’s one of a similar day last year, when Cooper was alive.

trampolining is such good medicine!

trampolining is such good medicine!

I think that I lost myself for a while in my relationship, something i always intend to avoid, but that always seems to happen when things aren’t going well. I can’t afford to do that. No one can. And if we truly can get back our friendship, that’s all that really matters. I was mourning the loss of a friend. I was needy. I was intense. And I’m sorry.

Read Full Post »