
Reflections – past and present blurring
I got a Christmas card this week from the mother of my boyfriend Scott who died 27 years ago.
She sends cards every year. Until this past year, the cards were heartwarming, humorous tales of the past twelve months – Republican Women’s Club meetings, fishing trips with her husband, dinner parties … unspoken was the nagging reminder that Scott wasn’t part of any of it. Or part of my life.
This year, however, her husband died. After he retired from a career that included living in Lebanon (where people liked to touch the young Scott’s blond hair for good luck), she and her husband were constant companions. Decades together, and now she is single, finding her path:
“Dear friends,
I’m still adjusting to widowhood.
At times I’m like a babe in the wood,
Seeing wild things behind every tree,
And searching for paths to harmony
(Couldn’t find a pear tree, let alone a partridge)”
When Scott asked me to marry him, I was only 19. I was in my freshman year at BYU (where most of the women there had gone to find a husband – something that shocked me). I was just awakening to the world (living in a different state!). So despite being in love with him, I was torn. I wondered what else was out there. Bottom line: I didn’t want to get married yet, so I said no. Or was it pure fear? Fear of the unknown? My refusal led to his decision to go on a Mormon mission to Kentucky, where he died.
Of course it was all my fault, I thought – I had introduced him to the church. If I hadn’t said no to the proposal, he wouldn’t have gone, and maybe he wouldn’t have died. Once he left, though, we wrote to each other, and despite my brief engagement to someone else (that BYU influence is the only excuse I can come up with), I was convinced that all was well and that Scott and I would get married when he returned. When he died, my first thought was that I wanted to die. I have a journal full of sad prayers asking God to take me, if it was his will. It wasn’t, though I begged. Instead, I took the money I was saving to go backpacking through Europe and I went on a mission too, thinking I would finish what he started. Missions are a great way of avoiding life – and grief. And the church’s doctrine was such a comfort. I thought that by “serving the Lord” (and doing all the other right stuff) I would be worthy to be with him once I did pass over to where he was. People just don’t know better, I think, when they tell you things like “he was too good for this world.” Which implies that those left behind (you) are somehow inferior.
“Ignorance was bliss when Glen was home.
I’m learning now what I should have known.
At making things work, he was adept.
With complex concepts, I’m still inept.
(Trying to program the thermostat leaves me cold.)”
His mom felt inept on her own. I, on the other hand, was independent. Sort of. I met someone on my mission and fell in love, but by the time D proposed (five years later) I was jaded. I did say yes, and wore that ring for a while – until I caught him cheating and moved to San Francisco to put enough space between us to move on.
Looking back, I realize that I was afraid of letting anyone else ever get that close again. No one else could ever be as amazing as Scott. D wasn’t, and that was proof. So after D, even if someone were, I wouldn’t have allowed him to be. No way was I going to risk that kind of loss again. No fucking way. Okay, well, I did risk it again. More heartache.
This seems to be a theme in my life. Failed relationships, and moving. To San Francisco, to New York, to Puerto Rico…
Now that I’m in Utah, I want to stay and deal, rather than moving on. Receiving her card reminded me of everything I have lost. When I learned Glen had died, it awoke all that grief, and I did reach out to her for the first time in years. Her printed poem and letter ended with a hand-written note: “Hope all is well with you – Thank you again for your caring words about Glen.”
Stupid, how after Glen died, I mourned for the inlaws I never had. For the children I never had. Yet, my losses seem so insignificant compared to hers.
Loss appears again:

One of these beautiful beings is now an angel
And again:

What is dear will always remain
Sending love and compassion to everyone who has lost, and found a way to move on.